Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yeah

Some people spend their whole lives trying to recover from decisions that they have made. Cocaine, heroine, crack.........let's have fun. Myles didn't chose to "have fun" like that. I am so friggin mad right now that he went to the hospital to take care of a genetically given disease. They eased his pain and now he is in more pain from the withdrawal. We have internet technology, put men on the moon, but we can't give our children that are suffering in pain a pain med that hurts them more than the initial pain? He is on the chemo ward and he is the only one with hair. The little ones think that he is so cool for having hair

Stuff

Need to ponder at a later date:
Was I meant to be born into my fathers pain and to die watching my son's pain?

Should I have so much sorrow and compassion for God that he has to watch his "children" of this earth go through so much? Disease, murder, famine,rape.....I just know how I feel with just my two boys.....can't imagine his pain if we are ALL children of his. We all pray to God for favors....maybe we should pray for His strength.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

An old post

If anyone is new to this blog, this is what I wrote a million years ago..............

Saturday, August 4, 2007

The BLOG...Wilson

The blog was first created two days after Myles got hurt. Aaron created it as a way of communicating to our friends and family what was going on. I don't completely remember what happen that first month as it all just seems still like a terrible nightmare. The kind of nightmare that you remember, just not in detail. In Salt Lake City I would reread the posts from the previous weeks to remind me that "things were getting better". It also freed me from the complete loneliness and isolation of the Intensive Care Unit and kept us in contact with our friends and family.

This blog has also been a useful tool in many ways, for when a doctor asked me When something happened (blood clots, blood poisoning, kidney failure) I would run to the blog and be able to tell them within a day or two, something that I would of not had a clue. It was also a tremendous inspiration of faith (thank you Kate and Silly), hope, support, and most of all love. I am still in awe at the magnitude of people from all over that went through those first few months with us. It must of been hard being a part of this tragedy and experiencing it through a blog on the internet. Again thank you all for your compassion to our family.

The first time that the newspaper ran a quote that I had written, I felt violated as my posts were for friends, family, and us to remember it all. I realized that our story was supposed to touch many lives, hopefully save many lives and that made it good. If all of this keeps one person from lighting a lighter where they shouldn't, one child to go on through pain, one parent to see how a split second can take your child away, then it has purpose.

This is a very lonely journey for my family. None of us really know how Myles feels in enduring his daily pain, his physical scars, and thoughts of the future. None of us really know how Aaron feels in enduring his daily pain, his emotional scars, and thoughts of the future. Neither one of my sons can understand my pain and fear as a mother of what has happened, and still is. We are all dealing with our own separate journey through this, the same destination, but separate journeys. Maybe when this is all over we will be able to try and explain in retrospect to each other what we just can't seem to do now. As I said, it is a lonely journey that we are experiencing side by side.

This blog site has become a "Wilson" for me, like in Castaway. A friend that I have been talking to, telling our story to, for almost six months now. It doesn't judge, ask for anything, it is something that is just here for me whenever I asked it to be. Like a good friend that you can call in the middle of the night because you can't sleep with too much on your mind.

Through this site this year will be remembered for all that it is, pain, sorrow, fear, hope, love, faith, friendship and family.
Love to you all and thank you for helping us through this path that is ours.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

My friend Mr. wilson

Hey stranger it's been a long time. I think of you often, you were my closest friend through the roughest times. We got rescued! But the journey did not end, remember the long nights, remember the pain, remember the fear, remember the anger. To bad that when we got rescued off our island of ICU, all was good, all was better, all was normal. My children don't understand why I have not healed, I think that I have quit bleeding, yeah, but I am still not as strong as I was. That's OK, you never know, I might be stronger than ever just not yet. Life has this thing that says "you broke your arm and you will be healed in XXX amount of time". Souls don't follow this criteria.

Aaron, what can I say, it's easier to talk to Wilson. Not because of you... You are unbelievable, to take the pain that you have suffered and be the man that you are is an incredible feat. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! I could never in a million years even begin to comprehend this journey for you. The ones that you love the most, the strength that you had to not just run away but above all, Face it all. You are amazing and I love you sooooooo much. I know that my survival of this journey that was presented to us is not only on Myles' physical recovery but of your mothers recovery as well. Please be patient, as it is coming, maybe not as fast as all of us wished, but it is coming.

Bugs, (OK, I need to cry)
I have always been so involved in your life, mothers should be but I was much more than normal with your hemophilia. It was me that you "had" to run to when you were hurt. It was me that said, "don't do this and that". When you finally reached a place in your life that you were self infusing and becoming independent we were thrown into a world that I couldn't comprehend, little known you. I do not blame you for wanting to know that you can "survive" without me..........if I was you, I would want to know this too. And you are doing a GREAT job. We were thrown a really weird curve ball, weirder than hemophilia, but Bugs, we survived it, we are alive and anything that needs to happen is OK. You are alive, Aaron is alive, I am alive. This will all be OK in the future, please believe this.

Tuyet,
Where do I even begin.... I can't believe that you didn't run. You are the rock and heartbeat of this family (I used to be before I became weak). Thank you for your strength when I had none.. thank you for believing when I had no belief left, thank you for..............God truly blessed me by bringing you into my life (our life).

Sunday, October 4, 2009

It's Been a Very Long time








Hey everyone,
Wow, I can't believe it has been so long. I joined Facebook in March and I guess that I felt connected to everyone that way. Let me think of what's been happening, lots really.
Myles was in the hospital in May with a very bad bleed.
Aaron and Tuyet got married in June down in Orange County.
I am still unemployed.... darn economy.
We went from Autumn to Winter.
Aaron and Boo moved into an adorable house.
Myles was in a golf tournament a few weeks ago with all adults and took the prize for longest drive.
Wow, I'm going to have to think about anything else. Maybe some pictures will remind me!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Excitement?


Excitement, what a strange feeling for me. I really can't remember the last time that I was excited about something. Pretty much the last two years have been fear, anxiety, and dread. I have had to prepare myself for so many sad and scary situations over and over again. I AM SOOOOO EXCITED right now for Myles. We will find out today if he has made Varsity Golf! No one can remember the last time a freshman qualified for Varsity. That in itself is amazing but what is even more unbelievable is what Myles has had to do to get there. I can still hear in the back of my head when they couldn't find a pulse in buggies arm "He might lose his arm" the doctor said. Completely recreating his hands with graphs, torturing physical therapy to avoid cantractions in his fingers, wrist, and elbows, hemophilia bleeds in his elbows which caused loss of range of motion. Holy cow!!!!!!!!! And here he is qualifying for VARSITY! This last week has been so memorable for me as buggies and I had fun. Fun is not something I have been able to do with my son in a long time. It's usually: Myles you need your shots, do your homework, keep ice on that, don't do this, don't do that. I AM SO EXCITED!!!! God I love my son. He deserves something great, for enduring, striving (physically and emotionally) and always being so accepting for all that this life has given him. Not to many people could even comprehend the pain you have been through in the last two years to get where you are today. I'm so proud, I want to tell the world................You go bugs!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

I was a Pet


I have had hundreds of pets, horses, cows, monkeys, lizards, snakes, tarantulas, and so much more. They were my pets, my responsibility to look after them and care for them. In the first time in my life, I was the pet, to Toby. He did not belong to Myles and I but we belonged to him. He was the master of this ranch, the protector, the boss. We all (goats, dogs, pigs, Myles and I, even the chickens) respected his throne. There has never been a nail that has been nailed on this ranch, a new animal that hasn't been tutored, a coyote thas has yelped in the night that Toby didn't take charge. To Myles and I, he was the man of the house and we have taken comfort in this for the last five years. Toby was never broke like most horses as he had the spirit that was given to him at birth. He told all of us what to do and we all lovingly did it, he watched over us. But he watched over all of us with love and compassion. He would wiggle his nose on you to let you know how much he loved you. When he was full of piss and vinegar, look out. He would even sneek up on Aaron and Tuyet's tiny Shi-Tzu and just nuzzle her with his nose. Everyone here seems a little lost, like we don't have Toby to do the checks and balances that he has always done. I wish I could of bottled his smell, everyday I smelled him, it was always like sniffing lavendar and calming my soul. He protected Myles and I, living out here in the country alone and I thank him for that. I WAS PROUD TO BE HIS PET.

You will always be remembered "The boob"!

Sunday, January 18, 2009

It's Been A While

I have not posted in a long time. Not sure why. December was a solemn month for me as burn victims keep coming into my reality. I'm sure there is a reason for it, but it (memories) still hurts. I think I am supposed to start speaking out in the name of fire prevention, split second life changing moments. We had a very quiet Christmas, no money but lots of family love (much better anyway). Myles is doing great! He is a 100% complete fourteen year old teenager (ugh). I am starting to get really excited about Aaron and Tuyet's wedding. Myles and I haven't been to California since my sisters funeral. It will be nice to go down there and see old friends on better terms. It's funny, with Aaron and Tuyet being together for so long, almost seven years, I always feel that they ARE married. Better yet, this is a step closer to grandchildren!!!!!!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Hard to breathe

There are things that you think you are over...then you realize that you have just stuck them very deep in your soul for safe keeping. Something happens, you see that boyfriend that you really thought you would spend the rest of your life with, that song on the radio that takes you back to a special moment in time that you have forgotten about, the spider webs that you only saw when you were hugging the one that you love. There are other things that you forgot. The smell of the intensive care unit, the monitors of a heart that you can't live without, the wish that your own son would go to his creator rather than deal with the living hell he is given even knowing that you will die without him. It's unbelievable what can trigger these memories ,but when it happens, you have to surrender to them, as nothing will break them from your soul.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Lesson

I found this picture the other day (I think he was six) and looked at it for hours. Everyday I am in awe of how he always accepts the life he has been given. Sometimes it's mind boggling. I love my baby!!!! I am truly blessed.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

He did it!

I can see his handsome face again!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Fall Beauty

























We are all so in awe of this Autumn. I don't remember this much beauty last year but I'm sure breathing it in this year. Aaron, Tuyet, Myles, and I went for a walk in our "neighborhood" on Sunday. Completely breathtaking.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Autumn


I love Autumn! Everything changes so fast, one day it's summer and hot and the next day it's fall. All of the Canada geese are flying onto the lake, the leaves are changing, and the animals are getting fuzzy. It's supposed to get below freezing this week so I need to finish picking the rest of our vegetables. Myles and I are getting tired of picking 20 to 30 pounds of tomatoes a day (along with peppers, cucumbers, squashes, melons......) but we keep reminding ourselves about how we will feel in the middle of winter with no fresh veggies to pick. He is doing great in school and has settled into High School easily. We went over to Aaron and Tuyet's house for a Sushi dinner yesterday, they both should be Sushi chefs, what a spread. THEY ARE GETTING MARRIED!!!! Finally after seven years of being together they are going to make it official in June 09 in California. I couldn't imagine having a better daughter in law than Boo, we love her so much.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

It's All Good


Wow, Jenna had a healthy baby, Myles went to his first High School dance. Life is Good, no Great!

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Scars, What scars?




We all have scars, some that can be seen, some that are hidden in our souls. Show your scars of life and be PROUD. It proves that you survived. My son does. Isn't he gorgeous!!!!! The top picture was taken last October, I can't believe how much buggies has changed in under a year.

Ok, my mom is done with the proud stuff,
High School is crazy, it's busy, and really nice to be around my friends again. I am still trying to figure it all out. Love to all,
Myles and Sherry



Thursday, August 14, 2008

Hemophilia Camp 2008













Hey everybody, this is Myles. Hemophilia camp was awesome. I met lots of new friends with hemophilia and cancer survivors. The rapids were really fun and I flipped my kayak over many many times. Spending time with my brother was really fun and he needed it. It was nice to see him away from the stress of work and just life. I definitely want to go back with Aaron next year because my mom is boring (lol)! The rafting trip was on the Salmon River in Idaho and was very pretty. The water wasn't as cold as the Green River in Utah but it was enough to make you very cold. You can tell that the kids that survived burns are tougher than the kids with hemophilia but each one feels a different pain (I've felt them both!).
Pretty excited about starting High School, it should be fun being with my friends again. I hope that I don't get "bullied" up too much. I'm sure that Aaron will go to my school and fix things if I do. Can't wait for next summer to back to both of the camps.
Love to all, Myles
P.S. Aaron took over two hundred pictures on our trip and is making CD's for everyone. Here is a few of them.

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Only to Witness

Myles and Aaron are at the hemophilia camp. They are rafting down the Salmon river with a forecast of large hail, rain, and gusty winds. WHAT A GREAT MEMORY FOR MY SONS! I have time to think when buggies is gone. Time to think of how much I love him, time to think about who he is, time to think of my role as his mother. I have realized that I am only a witness to Myles' life, a person in the audience to witness the play. Most parents feel that they are the directors of their childrens life. It is their job to direct and guide their childs role in this life. I have always felt this way to, until now. Myles has a direction in life that really has nothing to do with me. Yes, I am there to love, comfort, inspire him, but who he is seems to come from somewhere deep inside him. I can only stand back and watch. It is way beyond anything that I can contribute to. He has always had this direction, but I think that facing death as many times as he has, it has grown. It's really hard to explain. His presence to anyone who is near him brings about a comfort of life, a sweet and gentle unspoken reason for life and living. He knows something that most of us don't, but he doesn't know what he knows, it's just in his soul that he can't explain. I witness it daily, old, young, affluent, and poor, they all feel something when they meet him. I have relinqished this duty of mine, and I will just witness and learn. Sometimes that is the only thing to do and I am SO honored.
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of
Children."
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you
with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that
is stable.
-- Kahlil Gibran

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Great Weekend




Just got back from swimming and a BBQ at Aarons. We had a great time. I love watching my two guys swimming in the pool and playing, they SO love each other. Life has definitely settled down and feels back to normal. We infused Myles through his port and it worked wonderfully, no more multiple needlesticks and hour after hour of frustration, YEAH!!!! Myles and Aaron are going to Idaho's hemophilia camp in a few weeks on the Salmon River over by Yellowstone. What great bonding for them (as if they need anymore). I love my sons so much it's almost surreal. I picked some veggies to bring to Aaron's, nothing like fresh picked for dinner. All is good!

Monday, July 21, 2008

Floating the Boise River




Myles, Dave, and I floated the Boise River yesterday for a couple of hours. The weather was hot (99 degrees) and the water was freezing cold! Keeping up with these two boys will either keep me young or make me old real fast.


LOL

Friday, July 18, 2008

My Help







Myles and his friend John have been helping me with all of the vegetables. It is amazing the ownership and admiration that they have gotten. Planting, pulling weeds, running the stand. I am sooooo proud of them. I have them run the cash register to expose them to the new world that they will be entering soon. Lots of hard work AND fun.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Burn Camp 2008
















We received the pictures from burn camp and they are fantastic. I sent a link to all so they can view them, but just in case I forgot someone, here are a few. I don't know how to attach a link in this window but when I find out (Aaron's help) I will. It is so apparent what a great time Myles had!